Friday, December 23, 2005

Fwd: Dr. Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to


Dave..........'re a vet".

Thursday, December 22, 2005

FW: Cookies!



1 cup of water
1tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level
cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup, just in case. Turn
off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose with a
drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo the check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to
put the stove in the dishwasher.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Subject: FW: LEINART

Read the story below and check out the pics. If that loser can't score
on Texas women, there's no way he's gonna score on the Texas defense.
Kristin would be so disappointed in him.

----- Original Message -----

From: At: 12/14 7:52

>quick story you guys might enjoy. went to a party at laurens on

>saturday night. about 20 people. half of us went to some random bar,

>the other half went to this upscale place called Marquee (davedigital

>would definitely know this place). anyways, these 2 pretty girls who

>were visiting <> <> lauren from texas went to

Marquee, i didn't of course

>opting for the hole in the wall with $3 beers.


>So yesterday morning, lauren calls me and says "Do you know some guy

>named Matt Line Hart?" i laugh and say yeah and don't bother to


>her. she says, well he was at Marquee last night, and hit on one of


>girls from texas all night, danced with her, and then was so drunk he

>groped her....she turned around and slapped him, and left.


>i said yea yea, i doubt it even though it kinda made sense that he


>be in an upscale club getting trashed after losing the heisman. i told

>her i'd believe the story when i saw pictures. wellll, here they





>joby west coast trash



Fwd: Store Sign

11/23/2005 10:30 AM >>>
you'll think this is cute. Love Mom.

Fwd: Bird Flu

> The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
> symptomsof bird flu. If you experience any of the
> following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

> 1. High fever
> 2. Congestion
> 3. Nausea
> 4. Fatigue
> 5. Aching in the joints
> 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.0/167 - Release Date:


>>Hi Sweetie, I think this photo speaks for itself. Enjoy!


Fwd: Boys...


I read this after Thanksgiving, but I wanted to pass it on anyway. Just think about it for a few minutes and be very, very grateful for your place in life.

If you woke up this morning with
more health than illness...
you are more blessed than the million
who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger
of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...
you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without
fear of harassment, arrest, torture,
or are more blessed than
three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator,
clothes on your back,
a roof overhead and a place to sleep...
you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change in a
dish are among the
top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with
a smile on your face
and are truly are blessed
because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's
hand, hug them or even
touch them on the are blessed
because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a
double blessing in that someone was thinking of you,
and furthermore, you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Have a good day, & remember to
"count your many blessings, name them
one by one, and it might surprise
you what the Lord has done".

Fwd: Sleepin on the job


Fwd: The Letter


> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped
up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"

> With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:

> Dear Dad,

> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all
her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

> But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we
will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much
older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children
With me and that's now one of my dreams too.

> Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your

>> Your son,

> PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report
card that's in my desk center drawer I love you! Call when it is safe for me
to come home.



Scroll ALL the way down!!


It must be the NBA!

Or is it the NFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new
laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on!

Fwd: Jesus Could Have Been

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus
could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his
mother was sure he was G~d.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus could have been a Woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when
there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a
bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up
because there was more work to do.

Fwd: The AI Man and a Blonde City Girl

>>>Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on
>>>way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The
>>>insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
>>>today. I
>>>drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in
>>>barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
>>> >>The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial
>>> >>insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy
>>>takes him
>>> >
>>>down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she
>>>the nail, she tells him, "This is the one . . . right here."
>>> >>Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditzy
>>> >
>>>the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
>>>simple -- by the nail over its stall." Amy explains.
>>> >>Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
>>> >>She tells him as she walks away, "I guess it's to hang your
>>>pants on."

Fwd: Enjoy Moms !!!!!

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old son. He picked up something off the
ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I
asked him not to do that. "Why?" my son asked. ?Because it's been lying
outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I
replied. At this point, my son looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All
moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was
evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" he beamed, "So if
you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back
with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

......When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.