FW: Forwarded Messages!

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank
you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Not to
mention that I have dramatically improved my skills in using the e-mail
Delete message function.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the note about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to go get a wet sponge every time I need to
seal an envelope -- even if it's self-sticking. Also, I scrub the top
of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Proctor & Gamble products because they support Devil
Worship.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo in heat on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
since they are actually disguised Al Qaeda front companies.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer eat McDonald's
hamburgers because every cow in the world will be butchered as a result.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus that I
never bought since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all -- but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of Avian Flu diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's mechanic's
plumber's cousin's beautician.